Monthly Archive for March, 2009

The king of Covil Avenue, Part 3

Autumn came. The temperature dropped to a manageable eighty degrees, and the relief from the heat was delicious. The mood in work relaxed, even though we were still busy. 

Boyd was the lead climber in the crew, so when we only had one tree to take down he would get it. I ran his ropes and cut brush so Junior, Donny, Rodger, and Robert could drag it out to the chipper. Boyd was one of those old school climbers who just needs a rope, a saddle, a set of spikes, and a chainsaw. Keep it simple stupid, he used to tell me. As soon as we hit the job, he would throw on his spikes, buckle up his saddle, and grab a rope. Then he’d start spiking up the bole of a pine tree with a cigarette still dangling from his lip. Boyd never seemed to be in a hurry. His movements were almost languorous. Yet his trees came down twice as fast as mine did. I watched him. He worked slowly but never stopped. I would dash up the tree, then stop to figure out what to do next. He had been cutting wood so long he didn’t have to think about it any more.

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Fishing on a pier two miles from the old Fruit of the Loom plant

I walked down the main street of Rathmullen in my navy blue boots, jeans, and an anorak. I had a fishing rod over my shoulder and a plastic bag of bait. My thin-soled boots were too big. I could feel every pebble I stepped upon. It was around six o’clock, and the twilight in the clear sky had begun to recolour the landscape.

The houses either side of me were pastel shades of yellow and grey; one pub was mustard, another was lacquer red. In the red pub’s window, there was a sign saying Karaoke Tonight.

Past the empty lot where the Pier Hotel used to stand (it burned down several years ago), I came to the road that runs along the water’s edge. I had been coming to Lough Swilly for nineteen years, and it was only now, on this side of the lough, that I took in its calm, mercurial stillness. There was still purple and amber light, vaporous along the southwest horizon.
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The architect’s house

The city taught me the importance of cafés, the necessity of distraction, of moving. Wake, work, eat, sleep, talk, talk, talk. Years of that make a person harder than she’d like. She will have thick skin; she will have an inability to stroll.

Here in the country, at night, I can still hear the Ukrainians arguing next door, making love, then arguing again. I can still hear cars using our street as a shortcut to dodge traffic. 

We live in a house that my husband designed and helped build. The architect’s house. I had plans for it but then it was finished and I’d bought nothing. Our meagre city flat belongings sit pathetically on floors, scattered throughout the house. Our towels look too small in the bathroom, cups and plates are dwarfed by the kitchen, and the living room makes dollhouse toys of our furniture. Outside, it’s all the world. It’s all earth; it rolls away from the house in greens and browns, occasional splashes of gold. The gravel driveway sluices downhill.  It rises and falls, and winds. There aren’t any gates yet, just two large pillars. There’s nothing to keep out.

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Farm essay #1

Write your name in wet cement. It’s the only thing worth doing in life.

I first mixed cement in 1989, or thereabouts. I know it’s concrete, not cement, but farmers call it cement, at least farmers where I’m from do. I can’t decide if such colloquialisms are good/bad.

Standing behind a loud rattling tractor, a red International, I was instructed to shovel. I shoveled stony sand into the rotating barrel of the mixer, which was powered by the power take-off – a rotating driveshaft at the rear of the tractor, famed for maiming careless farmers. Farming is noble and horrific. There is no place on a farm for a scarf, or a ring, or a tie, or a coat with dangly drawstrings.

Tom Smyth lost his ring finger jumping off a trailer. Richard Hogan lost his legs in a beet-chopper – one above the knee, one below. Mick Dwyer drowned in slurry. John Allen drove over his toddler with his tractor. Francis McDonald drove over himself with his tractor, after forgetting to put on the brake. But it’s nice to own a bit of land. I’ve changed the names, but those things all happened – some to people I know, others I just heard of.

Every couple years, when on a visit home, I remember. I kick away the grass and mud from the base of the gatepost, and there it is – JK, 1989. Nothing compares to the pointless perfection of it.

I am mistress of everything

There is a pub I would like to be in now so that I could order a pint and drink it slowly. It is a small pub, but the people who drink there are generous with space, so there is always a little room. The ceiling is very high, so I need my glasses to see its witty decoration; the dark shelves behind the bar stretch dustily all the way up to it. There are barstools that swivel, with backs on them; I acknowledge that they are chairs. Each has a red leather cushion, so old and worn with time and bums and spills that it is wine-coloured.

There is one with a small rip beside the brass tacks on the frame.

I am mistress of everything when I sit in this chair. I face the bar, look into the long, stained mirror, observe the arrival of others and see myself, on the spinning barstool, move through time, sink through consciousness, to settle finally at the bottom of a large glass.

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Learn to play the zither

howtoplaythezither
I recently became unemployed. It has been a while. I last signed on in 1994, and since then I’ve had a relatively unbroken work record, the majority of which took place outside this country. Even at the worst of times in my life (during a period of homelessness) I always managed to find work. I’m a tree surgeon, and the niche status of the business has helped. There’s not a huge amount of competition.

My attitude to employment is something I’ve struggled with all my life. I’ve always had an unhealthy respect for it. I was nicknamed Boxer after the workhorse in Animal Farm for my habit of going into work no matter what kind of state I was in. I’ve read Animal Farm. I liked Boxer, but I didn’t appreciate the nickname. I sensed it was an underhanded slur – something about blind loyalty. Continue reading ‘Learn to play the zither’

“Three Solutions,” from The Happiness Diary, by Nicolae Steinhardt

Go At Them Like A Tank

Political Testament

In order to escape a concentrationary universe – and it doesn’t have to be a work camp, prison or other form of incarceration; the theory applies to any manifestation of totalitarianism – there is the (mystical) solution of faith. But this will not be talked about in what follows, as faith is the consequence of a grace selective in its essence.

The three solutions are strictly secular; they have a practical character and are accessible to anybody.

The First Solution: Solzhenitsyn’s

First briefly mentioned by Aleksandr Isayevich in The First Circle, he returns to it in the first volume of The Gulag Archipelago.

It consists of this: anybody detained by Securitate or other such investigative body has to say, without hesitation: in this moment I die. They can talk to themselves, consolingly: it is such a pity about myself, my youth or my old age, my spouse, my children, my talent, my possessions or my power, my lover, the wines I will never drink, the books I will never read, the walks I will never take, the music I will never listen to, etc, etc, etc. But something is certain and irreparable: from this moment on I am a dead man.

If he thinks like that, without hesitation, he’s saved. There is nothing they can do to him. He cannot be threatened, blackmailed, deceived. Once he considers himself dead, nothing can scare, rouse, or attract him anymore. He cannot be provoked. There is nothing – because he has no more hope, because he is out of this world – that he longs for anymore, nothing to sell his soul for, his peace, his honour. There is no currency for his betrayal.

It’s imperative of course for the decision to be firm, definitive. You declare yourself deceased, you consent to death, you abolish any hope. You can regret – like Madame d’Houdetot – your life, but this moral suicide, this anticipated death, will not fail. The risk of yielding, of denunciation, or of a false confession, has forever disappeared.

The Second Solution: Aleksandr Zinovyev’s

Is the solution found by one of the characters in his book The Yawning Heights. The character is a young man, with the allegorical name of Tramp. The solution consists in total maladjustment to the system. The Tramp has no house, no papers, no job; he’s a vagabond, a parasite. He lives from day to day, from other people’s charity; he eats here and there. He’s dressed in rags. He works sporadically, sometimes, when and if something comes his way. He spends all his time in prison or work camps, he sleeps wherever. He roams. Nothing will make him enter the system, not even the most insignificant, miserable, dullest of jobs. He’s unlike the character from Arthur Schnitzler’s novels, who, obsessed by the fear of responsibility, ends up a swineherd. NO, the Tramp projects himself (existentialist style) once and for all, a stray dog, a Buddhist beggar monk, a fool, a madman for (into) freedom.

This type of man, on the edge of society, is also immune: the system cannot exert any pressure on him, they have nothing to take from him, nothing to offer him. They can always detain, harass, abuse, insult him, but he escapes them. He has consented once and for all to spend his life in a perpetual lunatic asylum. He has made a creed out of poverty, distrust and frivolousness; he resembles a wild animal, a scrawny beast, a highway robber. He’s Stendhal’s Ferrante Palla. He’s Matei Calinescu’s Zacharias Lichter. He’s a laic fool-for-Christ, an eternal traveller (and what’s Wotan’s name on his descent to Earth? Der Wanderer), a wandering Jew.

And he has a loose mouth, he talks incessantly, he tells the most dangerous anecdotes, he doesn’t know what respect is; he makes fun of everything, he says whatever crosses his mind, he utters truths that others cannot allow themselves to whisper. He’s the child from The Emperor’s New Clothes. He’s King Lear’s buffoon. He’s the wolf from La Fontaine’s brave fable: he does not know what a collar is.

He is free, free, free.

The Third Solution: Winston Churchill and Vladimir Bukovski’s

To sum it up: in the presence of tyranny, oppression, misery, misfortune, disaster, calamity, you not only refuse to give up, but you extract out of all misfortune the most ardent desire to live and to fight.

In March 1939, Churchill was saying to Martha Bibescu: “There will be war. The British Empire will be reduced to rubble. Death is hard on our heels. But I can feel myself getting twenty years younger.”

If things are going from bad to worse and the hardship intensifies, the more you are hit, surrounded, besieged, and not able to catch a glimpse of any hope; when the grey, the dark and the viscous intensify, swell and writhe inextricably; the more danger you are in, you become even more eager to fight and you get this (increasing) feeling of inexplicable and overwhelming euphoria.

You are assailed from all sides by superior forces: you fight. They defeat you: you defy them. You’re lost: you attack (this is the way Churchill was talking in 1940). You laugh, you sharpen your teeth and your dagger, you grow younger. You quiver with the unutterable happiness of fighting back, even if with a force infinitely smaller. You not only refuse to despair, to declare yourself defeated and slain, but you taste the joy of resistance and are seized by an impetuous, demented cheerfulness.

This solution presupposes an exceptional strength of character, a military outlook on life, a formidable moral obstinacy of the flesh, ennobled steel willpower and an adamantine spiritual vigour. It also presumes a certain sporting spirit: to like the fight in itself – the rough and tumble – more than success.

This solution is also beneficial and absolute, because it’s based on a paradox: the more they hit, harm, and impose increasingly unjust suffering on you, the more they corner you in places without exit, you rejoice, strengthen, grow younger!

Together with Churchill’s solution we have Vladimir Bukovski’s. Bukovsi said that when he received the first summons to the KGB headquarters, he couldn’t sleep all night. Of course, the reader of his memoirs will say, it’s only natural; the incertitude, fear, the anxiety. But Bukovski continues: I couldn’t sleep out of impatience. I couldn’t wait to face them at dawn, to tell them exactly what I thought and go at them like a tank. I couldn’t imagine a greater happiness.

That is why he couldn’t sleep: not out of incertitude, fear, or anxiety. But out of the impatience of crying out the truth to their faces and the desire to go at them like a tank!

More extraordinary words I don’t think have ever been uttered or written in the world. And I wonder – I don’t claim that it is as I say, no, not in the least, I only wonder, I can’t but wonder – if this universe, with all its swarms of galaxies, containing a few thousands or millions of galaxies each, that in turn contain billions of suns and at least a few billion planets orbiting them; I wonder if all the outer spaces, the distances and all these spheres that are measured in light-years, parsecs and quadrillion miles; all this swarming of matter, stars, comets, satellites, pulsars, quasars, black holes, cosmic dust, meteors, and whatever else; all the ages, the eons, the space-time continuum and all the Newtonian and relative astrophysics have come into being for the one and only reason so that these words could be articulated by Bukovski.

Conclusion

All three solutions are certain and without fail.

I don’t know of anything else out there that can be used to escape a concentrationary universe, the entanglements of a Kafkaesque trial, a domino type game, labyrinth or interrogation chamber, there is no other way to escape fear and panic, a mouse trap, or empirical nightmare. Only these three. Any one of them is sufficient, adequate, and liberating.

Remember: Solzhenitsyn, Zinovyev, Churchill, Bukovski. Death acquiesced, assumed, anticipated, provoked; indifference and impudence; courage together with rabid glee. You’re free to choose. But you ought to realise that – humanly speaking – there is no other way to face out of the steel circle – which is also mainly made out of chalk (see The State of Siege by Camus, the basis of dictatorship is a phantasm – fear).

You will protest maybe, considering that all these solutions look at a life equivalent with death, or worse than death, or implying the risk of physical death at any moment. It is so. Are you surprised? Because you never read Igor Safarevici, because you don’t know yet that totalitarianism is not only the unification of an economical theory with a biological or social one, but it’s mostly the manifestation of an attraction to death. And the secret of those that cannot be sucked into the totalitarian abyss is simple: they love life, not death.

And who alone conquered death? He who has trampled death by death.

-Nicolae Niculescu*

*Pseudonym used by Steinhardt